Anxiety is my friend who tries to keep me from sleeping and fears are all I
can grasp in this world. I am alone surrounded by a million people all as
alone as me. Are you alone?
Do you know my friend Anxiety? How about Fear? No, then maybe:
Despair
Sadness
Loneliness
Emptiness
Uneasiness
Guilt
What do you call the feeling you have when you don’t know what the hell is
going on in your head, or when life is what life is not. I wonder who is
like me. Where are they and what do they do. I feel like I have totally
different people in me. I think schizophrenics are not crazy; they just
don’t hide their other personalities. Maybe they are more at peace with
themselves than us. Maybe we are the crazy ones.
Do you have other yous inside you? No. Well the almighty father you have
created someone else in your likeness. Perfect and it stands before me.
Please that was sarcasm…………………..Listen to you. That voice that says what the
hell is he talking about inside your head; it goes by the name of
Conscience, it isn’t. It is another you. Think about it, the first person
that ever said the little voice in my head was probably castrated and hung
for being a heretic. After him it became know as conscience and all of a
sudden it was ok. If your conscience is the good voice of reason; then what
the fuck is that voice that tells you to punch someone the fuck out. Or am I
the only one who hears that one?
Do you notice how when you are one way you hear a song and it makes you sad,
but if you are another way, you can hear the same song and remember
everything that perhaps should make you sad and enjoy the memories without
the automatically triggered response if you had been the other way? You
actually think and remember and analyze everything before your feelings
respond. When you are this way sad is SAD and joy is JOY. Right now I feel
like crying. Back when I was 20 and I was having a miserable life I broke
down and started to cry, I even cried in the arms of my mother and I cried
for about 25 minutes. It was a cleansing, a cleansing of my mind, my soul,
my heart. It was my body and soul discarding of waste. After that day I was
fine. Now I am not. I want to cry, just let out and scream and feel the warm
tears overrun the curves of my face. I want to be cleansed. But I can’t!
That little voice tells me everything is going to be all right and that I
don’t need to cry. Is that voice the voice of reason?
What was once a T.H.O.U.G.H.T. is now a T….H….O….U….G….H….T!!!!!!!!!!
Do you understand? Me either. I don’t understand what love is. Or why we
hate so many people. Or why we fight wars with victims who didn’t vote to go
to war, theirs and ours.
Or why people give out mixed signals. Or what my father was thinking. Or
when am I going to die. Or how many spirits are in my room right now. Or why
I feel warm but nothing but chills run up my back and arms. I don’t
understand.
What is time? Why is time? And where does time go? How I will die and who
cares?
If I die right now, who would cry. Who from work would show up and what
would they say? After all that is who we spend the majority of our time
with. Suppose you live by yourself. There are168 hours in a week. We sleep
around 35 hours. We spend about 25 hours driving. That’s 108 hours left. We
work about 45 hours a week. That leaves 63 hours. That is a lot of time but
we don’t spend it with the same people. Therefore we spend more time with
our work mates than with our friends.
Who at work likes me? After all, I hide my misery. They don’t know who I am
and how much I hurt inside. I smile and laugh and joke with everyone, I am
who I wish I was. Can they tell how low I feel, probably not? I am an Oscar
winning actor, not of Broadway or Hollywood, but rather of life. I look
innocent and calm; instead I am a fury of sinful thoughts and raging storm.
Smile back!
Each thought drains me of my energy. Each one getting longer and longer. I
wish you were here. I am alone and I just want someone to look at and give
me something to think about other than that open emptiness. Almost anyone
will do? But I bet you can relay somewhat with me. Right? If not, you would
have stopped reading by now. Do you wish you were here? Answer that to
yourself and begin thinking why the answer is yes. Those chills are killing
me. Is that someone blowing on my neck or perhaps scratching my back. Or am
I just not alone in the physical sense. Protect me……………please. Well Despair
is finally leaving. Maybe his friends will follow suit. I need to be held. I
need it bad. But I need it from someone who has no reason to hurt me,
nothing to gain from me, and nothing to expect from me. I need it from
someone who feels like me and just wants to be held also like me. I want to
sleep with someone in my arms and just sleep. Just to be warm and fulfilled.
That is my other personality speaking. He only comes out when all my friends
named above at the beginning are gone. He is the one who comes and clams me
down to where I can close my eyes, smile and travel. But I’ll be back, we
will be back but will you be here to hold me.
